I'll take Cancer for $95,374.63, Alex

I had no idea how much cancer would cost until I saw the insurance statements arrive. My particular cancer was $95,374.63. At least the costs submitted to my insurance totaled that amount. I do my share of complaining about my insurance (Public Employees are a pain in our ass Health Plan), but I can’t imagine trying to cope without it. Ironically, I qualified for a rebate through our insurance because I met certain health standards this past year. Here are the amounts submitted to my insurance this past year:

Workup to diagnosis:
Chest CT 90.00
Ultra Sound 275.00
Stress Test 2,832.21
Thyroid scan 3,775.15

CAT scan 1,700.37

Biopsy + Bonus overnight stay in hospital (including 2 - $3.00 Ibu) = 13,529.05

Oncologist Consult 456.00
2nd opinion Consult 503.80
MUGA scan 2,001.34
Bone marrow biopsy 1,716.00
EKG (2) 1,000.00
(To measure my ejection fraction on my heart before chemo for baseline & after chemo to see if there was any damage)
PICC line 384.00
Pet scans (4) 27,700.00
Chemotherapy (3 rounds) 24,277.50
Radiation (20 treatments) 14,380.70
Rx throughout treatment 363.51
$30.00 copay for every Dr. appointment 390.00

Basically, it would have been cheaper to bury me. Really, let me show you.

Funeral Service 3,390.00

Casket 1,000.00

Vault 650.00

Burial Transit Permit 47.00

Interment 400.00

Plot 500.00

Marker 500.00 = 6,487.00

Since I’ve brought it up, when I die, here are a few instructions for the poor soul who is left in charge. First, and foremost, I AM A DONOR. Take all, some or none, I really won’t care. Depending on the circumstances, feel free to donate my body to the U of U med school. If it helps even just one person become a better doctor, let them use my empty vessel to do so. I’ll have but one postmortem request, that either heaven or hell (whichever lost the bet) will let me stand behind that poor, new med student and just as he or she is about to make their first incision, that I’m allowed to grab them by the sides and yell “Ouch! That hurts!” They’ll be ready for anything after that, or quit immediately and become a pharmacist at Walgreens.

Secondly, absolutely under no circumstances is there to be an open casket. End of story.

Third, go cheap! I’ll be dead, so what do I care? Spend money on something important. Choose the least expensive casket, marker, and no flowers unless they’re picked from your own yard. Instead, donate to a worthy cause.

Last, keep my obituary simple. It really bothers me to read that someone “lost their courageous battle with cancer.” You can bet your life they were courageous! But no one loses to cancer. Don’t give it any dignity or credit, it’s merely a segue to the next adventure.

A Tyler by any other name…

Today my little Groundhog baby turns 4 years old. In four short years, he’s more mischievous than I could have ever imagined, amazes me everyday with the things he says, displays chivalry by defending his sister to the ends of the earth, and is genuinely a happy, caring, sweet little house elf.

He is a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
He emptied EVERY dresser drawer.

Sprout is the first of many nicknames. We had to call him something due to unknown gender during my pregnancy with him. Only 10 months after Riley was born, I found out I was pregnant. I could barely keep it all together with one child and another was on the way. Following a harsh bout with post-partum depression (yes, it is very real and pure hell so bite me Tom Cruise) I was in denial, scared, and in absolute panic mode. However, after seeing the bond between Tyler & his older sister Riley, I understand his rush to get here.

I was blessed again to have a pregnancy free of complications. My doctor convinced me that considering the experience with my first delivery, an induced labor would be the best option for me. Everyone told me a second labor goes by faster than the first. Not so, and I regret being induced. After checking into the hospital early Friday morning, having the Pitocin drip in place, followed by my beloved epidural, it was a long day of very little activity. As a result of such inactivity, my nurse was ordered to try an additional measure. Whoever invented the technique of stripping membranes is a sadist. That was by far the most painful thing this body has ever experienced. Following a 12 hour day, 8 pounds 1 ounce, and 21 ½ inches of an incredible little being arrived at 9:49 p.m. After meeting Tyler, I’d do it all again without a second thought.



When Tyler was about 10 months old and started talking, he would get so excited upon seeing a snowman in a front yard and say “Mo-mess!” It took us awhile before we realized he was trying to say “snowman.” However, Mo-Mess became a very appropriate nickname for him. Not a meal would go by without a minor disaster with it. He even has his own theme song. Although when the munchkins sing along, Paul Simon’s “Homeless” gets tweaked a little to “Mo-Mess, Mo-Mess.”



I admire Tyler’s outgoing nature. Not a person can walk by our house without Tyler greeting them, and he won’t let up until his salutation is acknowledged. I love hearing him yell across the street “Hi Mr. Tingey!” then seeing the simultaneous smile & wave that he gets in return.

From bugs to dinosaurs, trains, Jeeps, superheroes, fire engines & police cars, and most recently, Michael Jackson’s dance moves (don’t ask), it’s exciting to see his curiosity and interests change each day.



Using his magni-finding glass



Tyler Two-Two (because you have to say things to him at least twice before he listens to you), the second child born on the second day of the second month, makes everyday an adventure. I look forward to the things he says or questions Tyler asks. Whether it’s the humorous ones such as “Can I give Gnocchi (his cat) some smarsh-smellows for breakfast?” or the sincere concern regarding the well-being of our neighbor who isn’t feeling well. Or to hear him say, “That is so wonderful!” Tyler has brightened my darkest days with a simple statement that comes straight from his heart. “Mom, I love you.”

I love you too, Tyler.

And On The 8th Day

I don't make resolutions because I know I won't keep them and by March I will have completely forgot what I resolved to change or do differently anyways. However, with more practice, I'd like to eat a little less, breathe a little deeper, and be kind a little more.

Last year a friend compiled a list of favorite songs submitted by a wide range of demographics. (ahem...Randy...I'd still love to see the results.) I considered following up my lists with my favorite songs, but found that was too daunting of a task. I like too many to narrow it down, the ones that are my favorite are not mainstream and have no significance to anyone other than myself, and they change all the time. Instead here are a few of my favorites, for the moment:

The Beatles (I know, cliché)
From the beauty of "In My Life" to the playfulness of "Octopus's Garden," they will always be a favorite.

U2 (again, cliché)

November 1992 - Las Vegas the best concert I've been to.

Thanks Mom & Dad for trusting a 16 year old to drive to LV with a bunch of other teenagers to see them. There was only a small amount of sex & drugs that accompanied us.

Led Zeppelin*
Beastie Boys*

* I'm not sure which is more amazing, the fact that Led Zeppelin could write music that 20 years later would be used by a rap group or that the group of New York white-boy punks could make "When the Levee Breaks" sound

 even better.

Jimmy Buffet

How can you listen to James without feeling good? Sadly, kids don't know what a pop-top is and my land-locked associated memory of stepping on them is on the pristine, white sandy beaches of Pineview reservoir.

Rolling Stones

They may be ancient and hideously ugly, but I'll never grow tired of listening to "Paint It Black."

Iz

I love Hawaii.

Trash Can Sinatras

Only 2 of you will even know who this band is. October 2004 in front of Greywhale CD, best outdoor, acoustic show ever. The next day I found out I was pregnant with Riley, their music always makes me think of her.



Lady Elaine Fairchilde?  Is that you?


Barry Manilow

"Copacabana" is pure musical wonderment! I'm totally kidding! I wanted to see if you're paying attention. Sorry Mom.



Nine Inch Nails tied with Jane's Addiction & The White Stripes

Yep, I really did type that. I could listen to Trent, Perry & Jack all day when I need angry music. Oddly, I don't have a single song on the myPod...yet.

The Grateful Dead

Yep, I really did type that too.

Ani DiFranco

She's a clever one.

Vampire Weekend

Favorite new band, sadly, it's a lot of other peoples' too and they sold out for a car commercial.



Worst songs ever!

Fireflies

Muskrat Love

Baby Got Back

California Gurls

Anything by John Mayer

Feliz Navidad

A Few Confessions

I find that women look ridiculous with the word “PINK” or even worse “Juicy” sprawled across the butt of their pants. The designer for Victoria’s Secret that came up with that atrocity was either completely high or pulled a really great joke on consumers.

I adore garden gnomes.

Never been to Carl’s Jr. and never plan on eating there based solely upon my disdain for their commercials.

I am obsessive about the perfume I wear. I have tried many times to switch, but I always go back to the same one I’ve bought for the past eleven years. It’ll be a sad day when I can no longer find Carolina Herrera 212.

I am a foodie. I love watching cooking shows. I try to eat healthy most of the time, but I certainly have my weaknesses too. Originally I intended a very different title for this post, but realized it had the potential to attract a good deal of perverts. Here is my list of favorite Food porn*

*a term coined by my friends to appropriately describe food which provides absolutely no nutritional value, often contains 2 days worth of fat, calories and or cholesterol, yet knowing this information the said food by-product is still consumed and one may or may not feel guilty afterwards, largely depending on the day of the week this takes place.

10. Training Table cheese fries

  9. Wilkinson’s scones with honey butter

  8. Ramen noodles

  7. Cinnabon cinnamon rolls

  6. Big Macs (minus 1 of the 2 patties included)

  5. Waffle Crisp cereal

  4. Chili-Cheese flavored Fritos

  3. Chili-Cheese dogs from Weinerschnitzel

  2. Reese’s peanut butter eggs

  1. Ho-Ho’s

Closing Time

As the year comes to a close there is an abundance of top 10 best - whatever lists produced. Here are some of my favorites and even some of the worst lists I can come up with.

I saw 4 movies in the theater this year. The first, and only grown-up film, was at Sundance. I can’t remember the title, because honestly I spent most the time wondering how and when I was going to explain to my friends sitting beside me that I wouldn’t be able to join them for lunch or snowshoeing the next day due to the biopsy scheduled for the enormous space invader growing in my chest. Nevertheless, it was a comedy and a fairly good one at that.

The next 3 were animated shows, not too bad either. One confirmed my longtime theories that Vikings did indeed have a Scottish accent and a dragon would make a fine pet. Another was a classic good vs. evil between superheroes voiced by the comedic genius Will Ferrell and an all too short appearance by Mr. Pitt. Finally, there was Disney’s latest fairytale adaptation, Rapunzel. It was cute and seemed cleverly influenced by The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White.

Considering my limited exposure to the movies of 2010, I thought it better to present my All-Time Favorite Movies instead. I didn’t choose these based on brilliant screenplays or breathtaking cinematography, but movies I that watch over and over again.

10. Trainspotting

  9. Dead Poet’s Society

  8. Napoleon Dynamite

  7. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

  6. Return of the Jedi

  5. Ocean’s Eleven (2001)

  4. Raiders of the Lost Ark

  3. The Goonies

  2. Better Off Dead

  1. Amélie

Honorable Mentions:

L.A. Confidential

Big

Toy Story II

Shrek I & II

The Full Monty

The Shawshank Redemption

The Scarlet Pimpernel (1982)

E.T.  (I still cannot believe my parents brought my, then 2 year old, brother along with us to the old Trolley Square theaters to

watch this movie.  Perhaps it explains a lot about the alien-related phobia he has today.) 

Consequently, here are some of the worst movies I have ever sat through:
5. Lord of the Rings
4. Any and all James Cameron films
3. Ghost
2. Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom
1. Star Wars I, II, III (Jar Jar Binks?  What the hell were you thinking George?!)

Hark! The Hairald Angels Sing

I venture outside the house all but twice during December. Once to buy chocolate treats for the advent calendar, and a second time to buy some more, because I’ve ate most of the first ones I bought. If we should see each other (Target, that’s where I see everyone, i.e. Viewmont alumni 1992-1996), I’ll give you a little heads-up (pun intended) on my current hair status so as to alleviate some of the shock. It’s still very short, very dark, and so not me, but it’s finally here and it’s better than nothing.

In the morning I look like this

My kids see me as this

On a really good day with a lot of hair product, I can almost pull off this



7 months later, my post-chemo hair
Photo by Tyler age 3



A'musing' Munchkins

Kids are a constant source of entertainment. I'm certain that is the reason I have them, and with some proper training, they'll become very useful in removing ridiculous amounts of snow from the sidewalks.



In addition to the surprise murals found behind furniture and independently crafted body art, the things they say make up for Desitin covered couches and scorch marked carpet bearing evidence of a flashlight left in the "on" position and placed lens facing down for an unknown amount of time.

Here is a sample from the past week alone.

Tyler - age 3:
"I'd like more mashed ma-tatoes please."

"This train moves back & thorth, back & thorth."
It's the little bit of Viking in him shining through.

"Mmmm. That was yummyish."
('Yummy' is often interchangeable with 'tastyish' as well.)

While Derek was helping him with his cereal at breakfast Tyler said,
"Will you help me with this the rest for my life?"

"Do bubbles turn into cotton balls?"

Tyler was at my parent's house and asked
"Grandma, do we have any laundry to do today?"
Note to my mom: Stop tapping their domestic-duty abilities, it's severely reducing their productivity at our house.

"Mom, I think I love you."
Good job little man, at least you're thinking.



Riley - age 5:
"I know how to say 'friend' in Spanish! It's 'friend-o.'
That's OK baby, that's how I speak Spanish too.

We had to pick up some accoutrements for Lucifer this week. After returning home, Riley was intently watching me clean the loo for the cat.
"Mom, that doesn't look like kitty-glitter."
The chore would be a lot more pleasant if it sparkled & shined.

My Dad gave Riley a quarter and asked her to babysit her Grandma for one hour while he went to work, she replied;
"I can't, I'm not a human!"


These are classics.
Riley: Mom, when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I can touch a brain with my brain gloves on.

I asked her if she knew I was proud of her for eating good food, she replied,
"I know. It makes me strong and filthy."

My very favorite, "Stop it Mom! You're making me stupid."
Good reminder, thanks Riley.

The Devil in Disguise

A little over a week ago, Derek went for an early morning bike ride on the Legacy Trail. About an hour later he called the house. When I answered the phone he said, “Hi.”
There it was, that tone in his voice and if you know Derek you’ll understand my immediate thought. “Yeah, he’s about due for an injury” expecting him to say something like, “Hey could you meet me at Lakeview?” or “I’m at LDS hospital.” For awhile there I91 was neck-in-neck with Injury-59.

“I found a kitten,” he said.
“Oh.”
“Can I bring him home?”
“No, I’m a heartless beast and there is no room here for a kitten.”

Just kidding, that wasn’t my reply and there is room I suppose.

We always had dogs (or dōggies as my 2 year old niece calls them in her best James Taylor accent) growing up in the Enquist home. We also had fish, frogs, stray bunnies; my brother had a Cockatiel and turtles. I also had ferrets, the Pucks in the world of domesticated pets, but never before had I lived with a cat.

Reasons I Don’t Like Cats:
1. They are from the devil.
2. They are useless. Show me a seeing-eye-cat or a police department that employs a bomb/drug sniffing, criminal apprehending feline unit and I might change my mind.
3. I’m allergic to them.
4. Feline is Latin for “I will strategically place myself under your foot when you step”
5. If you look at them wrong, they’ll scratch your eyes out.
6. They have highly developed Ninja skills.
7. They are alien beings sent here if the form of loving fuzz balls, only to take over the world when we least suspect it.

Sufficed to say, Derek & the munchkins are smitten by the kitten. They refer to him as Gnocchi. I will affectionately refer to him as Lucifer.

Grammar Snob? or Is Society Becoming Increasingly Stupid?

If you want to see me cringe, watch me when I listen to Neil Diamond’s Play Me. I love him and his music, really I do, but “song she brang to me?” Honestly Neil? That was the best you could come up with?

Coincidentally, earlier this week Sarah’s word creation “refudiate” was recognized as the year’s best new word by the New Oxford American Dictionary. Fantastic! Look at that, I’ve answered my own question, but why stop there with this rant?

I suppose I’m somewhat of a grammar snob. Mine is far from perfect, but I’m amazed how little it is practiced by others. I have my fair share of typos, forgetting to insert a word here or there, but I make an effort not to be completely lackadaisical with the basic rules.

One afternoon I took a call in dispatch. I had obtained the location of the suspect in the theft (the prostitute that took the caller’s money without having rendered the services negotiated), and repeated back to the caller something like,
“Alta Motel, that’s where she’s at?”
After I finished the call, a friend & co-worker sitting nearby just shook his head and said with utter disappointment,
“Rachelle, you know better than to end a sentence in a preposition.”
Ouch. That hurt the ego a little, but he was right.

When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I informed my grandma, “I’m done eating my lunch” so that I could be rewarded with a sip of her opened bottle of Tab sitting on the counter. I clearly remember her response,
“Meat is done. You should say that you are finished instead of done.”

I recall telling my mom that “Me and Chelsey are going outside to torment my younger brother with nicknames that he despises.”

“Mean Chelsey?” my mom asked.

I was thinking to myself, “Yeah, I guess its a little mean.” only because we found such delight in the aforementioned activity.

“It’s ‘Chelsey and I’. Chelsey and I are going outside…”
(side note: these rules for quotations are killing me and by now I’m sure they’re all incorrect)

Having perused applications each spring from high school students, emails, and the constant misuse of conjunctions by Facebook users, I’ve decided that instead of a Coke I’d like to buy the world a Speak & Spell or at least a lesson on how to use spell check.

A few other points of interest before we conclude this weeks meeting:

- Riley’s friend, Kohl, came over for a play date this week. As he began making himself comfortable in our home I said, “I’m so glad you were able to come over.”
He looked at me with the most serious 5 year old face and replied, “Why wouldn’t I? You can count on me.”
Kids like Kohl restore my hope for the future.

- I have been cohabitating with a cat for 1 week now. Yes, you read that correctly. (Sigh) That will be my next post.

Cancer Tips 101

I had cancer, but it didn’t have me. Upon reading that it may seem slightly pretentious, but I’m still here and writing this, so it must be true. I’ve never been thrilled about putting myself in the “survivor” category. I believe there are many others that endured far worse than I have and much more deserving of that title.

When I was diagnosed, people suggested other blogs, books, and experiences with me. I was very grateful for this support, though I must admit I did not follow any of the blogs. Honestly, many of them were too damn depressing! Everyone’s experience is going to be different as will the effects of treatment.
I’ve had many friends ask me how they can help or support someone they know who’s been diagnosed with cancer. Some of you may be reading this because a mutual friend has referred you here. If that is the case, think back to when you were little and you got your first pair of Underoos. Mine were Spider Girl, and I know I was invincible when I had them on. I could feel the super-hero power surge through me. If you have been diagnosed with cancer or something as equally terrifying, get your proverbial Underoos on baby, because you’re going to need them!


Aside from love and support from the most incredible family & friends, unnumbered prayers and strength from many unseen, here are some things that helped me:

-Eat well. We inexplicably feel inclined to bake cookies or a chocolate dessert to help someone feel better. If you’re wondering what to give someone, try fruit, instant breakfast mix, granola bars, or Gatorade packets. Chemo (radiation depending on the area receiving treatment) can dry out your throat & mouth, so gum, hard candy with ginger (for nausea), or lifesavers are great to have. Don’t overload them with sugary confections.

Have oatmeal and yogurt the mornings you have Chemo treatments. This helps coat your stomach lining and the acidophilus in yogurt will help with mouth sores or cankers.

Use plastic utensils if you notice foods have a metallic taste. Chemo destroyed my taste buds. I couldn’t stand the taste of Coke and certainly not any soda from a can, I had to drink from a glass & use a straw.

Friends made chicken enchiladas for us one night. That was a HUGE help. My kids had something good to eat for dinner (not fast food) when I was too tired to make it, and it also gave Derek a break.

-Use a silk pillowcase. Unless you’re used to not having hair, when it falls out, your scalp will be tender. If you can no longer tolerate losing hair by the handful, shave it off. If and when you do, your follicles will continue to grow and irritate your scalp. Use baby oil for the first few days. Eucerin Calming Crème was excellent, for scalp & dry skin from radiation.


-I was fortunate to find a great wig and well worth the expense. This is what I get asked about the most, because vanity is alive & well and I fully support it! I went to Headcovers by Joni on 3300 south in SLC. My wig was from the Alan Eaton collection, style: Peace, color: Crème Brulee.

-The only book I would recommend is ‘Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor’ by Kris Carr.

-Wear waterproof mascara to EVERY doctor’s appointment.

-Get off your ass. If you sit on it all day and tell yourself you can’t do anything, then you are absolutely right. I tried to go for a short walk every night, even if that was just around the block. If it was too cold, I’d walk around the grocery store. Do what your body will allow you to do.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday, and I love today.
-William Allen White