I'll take Cancer for $95,374.63, Alex

I had no idea how much cancer would cost until I saw the insurance statements arrive. My particular cancer was $95,374.63. At least the costs submitted to my insurance totaled that amount. I do my share of complaining about my insurance (Public Employees are a pain in our ass Health Plan), but I can’t imagine trying to cope without it. Ironically, I qualified for a rebate through our insurance because I met certain health standards this past year. Here are the amounts submitted to my insurance this past year:

Workup to diagnosis:
Chest CT 90.00
Ultra Sound 275.00
Stress Test 2,832.21
Thyroid scan 3,775.15

CAT scan 1,700.37

Biopsy + Bonus overnight stay in hospital (including 2 - $3.00 Ibu) = 13,529.05

Oncologist Consult 456.00
2nd opinion Consult 503.80
MUGA scan 2,001.34
Bone marrow biopsy 1,716.00
EKG (2) 1,000.00
(To measure my ejection fraction on my heart before chemo for baseline & after chemo to see if there was any damage)
PICC line 384.00
Pet scans (4) 27,700.00
Chemotherapy (3 rounds) 24,277.50
Radiation (20 treatments) 14,380.70
Rx throughout treatment 363.51
$30.00 copay for every Dr. appointment 390.00

Basically, it would have been cheaper to bury me. Really, let me show you.

Funeral Service 3,390.00

Casket 1,000.00

Vault 650.00

Burial Transit Permit 47.00

Interment 400.00

Plot 500.00

Marker 500.00 = 6,487.00

Since I’ve brought it up, when I die, here are a few instructions for the poor soul who is left in charge. First, and foremost, I AM A DONOR. Take all, some or none, I really won’t care. Depending on the circumstances, feel free to donate my body to the U of U med school. If it helps even just one person become a better doctor, let them use my empty vessel to do so. I’ll have but one postmortem request, that either heaven or hell (whichever lost the bet) will let me stand behind that poor, new med student and just as he or she is about to make their first incision, that I’m allowed to grab them by the sides and yell “Ouch! That hurts!” They’ll be ready for anything after that, or quit immediately and become a pharmacist at Walgreens.

Secondly, absolutely under no circumstances is there to be an open casket. End of story.

Third, go cheap! I’ll be dead, so what do I care? Spend money on something important. Choose the least expensive casket, marker, and no flowers unless they’re picked from your own yard. Instead, donate to a worthy cause.

Last, keep my obituary simple. It really bothers me to read that someone “lost their courageous battle with cancer.” You can bet your life they were courageous! But no one loses to cancer. Don’t give it any dignity or credit, it’s merely a segue to the next adventure.