Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'll take Cancer for $95,374.63, Alex


I had no idea how much cancer would cost until I saw the insurance statements arrive. My particular cancer was $95,374.63. At least the costs submitted to my insurance totaled that amount. I do my share of complaining about my insurance (Public Employees are a pain in our ass Health Plan), but I can’t imagine trying to cope without it. Ironically, I qualified for a rebate through our insurance because I met certain health standards this past year. Here are the amounts submitted to my insurance this past year:


Workup to diagnosis:
Chest CT 90.00
Ultra Sound 275.00
Stress Test 2,832.21
Thyroid scan 3,775.15
CAT scan 1,700.37
Biopsy + Bonus overnight stay in hospital (including 2 - $3.00 Ibu) = 13,529.05

Oncologist Consult 456.00
2nd opinion Consult 503.80
MUGA scan 2,001.34
Bone marrow biopsy 1,716.00
EKG (2) 1,000.00
(To measure my ejection fraction on my heart before chemo for baseline & after chemo to see if there was any damage)
PICC line 384.00
Pet scans (4) 27,700.00
Chemotherapy (3 rounds) 24,277.50
Radiation (20 treatments) 14,380.70
Rx throughout treatment 363.51
$30.00 copay for every Dr. appointment 390.00

Basically, it would have been cheaper to bury me. Really, let me show you.
Funeral Service 3,390.00
Casket 1,000.00
Vault 650.00
Burial Transit Permit 47.00
Interment 400.00
Plot 500.00
Marker 500.00 = 6,487.00

Since I’ve brought it up, when I die, here are a few instructions for the poor soul who is left in charge. First, and foremost, I AM A DONOR. Take all, some or none, I really won’t care. Depending on the circumstances, feel free to donate my body to the U of U med school. If it helps even just one person become a better doctor, let them use my empty vessel to do so. I’ll have but one postmortem request, that either heaven or hell (whichever lost the bet) will let me stand behind that poor, new med student and just as he or she is about to make their first incision, that I’m allowed to grab them by the sides and yell “Ouch! That hurts!” They’ll be ready for anything after that, or quit immediately and become a pharmacist at Walgreens.

Secondly, absolutely under no circumstances is there to be an open casket. End of story.

Third, go cheap! I’ll be dead, so what do I care? Spend money on something important. Choose the least expensive casket, marker, and no flowers unless they’re picked from your own yard. Instead, donate to a worthy cause.

Last, keep my obituary simple. It really bothers me to read that someone “lost their courageous battle with cancer.” You can bet your life they were courageous! But no one loses to cancer. Don’t give it any dignity or credit, it’s merely a segue to the next adventure.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A Tyler by any other name…


Today my little Groundhog baby turns 4 years old. In four short years, he’s more mischievous than I could have ever imagined, amazes me everyday with the things he says, displays chivalry by defending his sister to the ends of the earth, and is genuinely a happy, caring, sweet little house elf.
He is a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
He emptied EVERY dresser drawer.
Sprout is the first of many nicknames. We had to call him something due to unknown gender during my pregnancy with him. Only 10 months after Riley was born, I found out I was pregnant. I could barely keep it all together with one child and another was on the way. Following a harsh bout with post-partum depression (yes, it is very real and pure hell so bite me Tom Cruise) I was in denial, scared, and in absolute panic mode. However, after seeing the bond between Tyler & his older sister Riley, I understand his rush to get here.

I was blessed again to have a pregnancy free of complications. My doctor convinced me that considering the experience with my first delivery, an induced labor would be the best option for me. Everyone told me a second labor goes by faster than the first. Not so, and I regret being induced. After checking into the hospital early Friday morning, having the Pitocin drip in place, followed by my beloved epidural, it was a long day of very little activity. As a result of such inactivity, my nurse was ordered to try an additional measure. Whoever invented the technique of stripping membranes is a sadist. That was by far the most painful thing this body has ever experienced. Following a 12 hour day, 8 pounds 1 ounce, and 21 ½ inches of an incredible little being arrived at 9:49 p.m. After meeting Tyler, I’d do it all again without a second thought.

When Tyler was about 10 months old and started talking, he would get so excited upon seeing a snowman in a front yard and say “Mo-mess!” It took us awhile before we realized he was trying to say “snowman.” However, Mo-Mess became a very appropriate nickname for him. Not a meal would go by without a minor disaster with it. He even has his own theme song. Although when the munchkins sing along, Paul Simon’s “Homeless” gets tweaked a little to “Mo-Mess, Mo-Mess.”

I admire Tyler’s outgoing nature. Not a person can walk by our house without Tyler greeting them, and he won’t let up until his salutation is acknowledged. I love hearing him yell across the street “Hi Mr. Tingey!” then seeing the simultaneous smile & wave that he gets in return.

From bugs to dinosaurs, trains, Jeeps, superheroes, fire engines & police cars, and most recently, Michael Jackson’s dance moves (don’t ask), it’s exciting to see his curiosity and interests change each day.

Using his magni-finding glass

Tyler Two-Two (because you have to say things to him at least twice before he listens to you), the second child born on the second day of the second month, makes everyday an adventure. I look forward to the things he says or questions Tyler asks. Whether it’s the humorous ones such as “Can I give Gnocchi (his cat) some smarsh-smellows for breakfast?” or the sincere concern regarding the well-being of our neighbor who isn’t feeling well. Or to hear him say, “That is so wonderful!” Tyler has brightened my darkest days with a simple statement that comes straight from his heart. “Mom, I love you.”

I love you too, Tyler.